SIX

Acid coming up from my stomach, bleeding knees, scattered thoughts. How long will I feel ill at ease with life? Fear of failure stops me from improving my situation. A month of reprieve, only to return. Is it fun? Is it getting me where I want to be? I am spending the money I worked so hard to save helping others achieve their goals, doing favours for friends who never call me. Crippled by my own faults and afraid to get what I want, thoughts of an easy way out have returned. Also, thoughts of running and wishing for a new start.

FIVE

Skies clear for me as the clouds move over another target. A momentary reprieve from the darkness. Still the stench of doubt, taints my awareness.

FOUR

Hellish feeling of confusion and nauseous, tiredness like a walking zombie, not enough strength to defend myself against ridicule. From pure calm and beauty to crippling anxiety and self-doubt, I now have suspicions about and responsibilities in, this town.

Tomorrow to ignore the fear by focused addiction, and finish my warm cave for my impending homelessness.

THREE

Hellish feeling of anxiety. There is dirt in my throat and an ache in my limbs. All that will save me is good intentions. Eat something. Play the piano. Learn my parts, focus on being a musician and live that. And ride up to the next town at 3. There is evil in the world and I feel like a cork being pushed around in water, full of fear and anger with little control over my own path.

TWO

Lying in bed tossing and turning, my stomach rolling over and over in knots. Hugging the pillow imagining it is a body sharing warmth. Avoiding the brutality of another day in anger. Blaming people before I even rise. Enslaved.

ONE

So Im lying here feeling like its an ugly scene. Cigarette stink on my mind. Ass stink from the pile of clothes in the corner. Skin peeling off my feet and a patch on my leg. And that lingering lack of support in my back.

It surprises me to think of the events that led to be here, at this farm, on the outskirts of this wild town.